Monday, May 24, 2010


Mackenzie has been asking to see the pictures we have of Morgan.

I haven't allowed it.

The pictures are graphic. Don't get me wrong, she looks like a baby, but she is dark in color and her skin is not in great condition. I don't want to spoil the image of an angel baby that Mackenzie has in her head of Morgan. I don't think her nine year old mind can compute what she is seeing without it traumatizing her.

I may be wrong. I know that Howard thinks she can handle it. And that may be true.

I held Morgan like that. I touched her, kissed her, I couldn't handle it. I can't handle looking at the pictures but not because I'm scared or repulsed. I'm heartbroken. I don't want that for Kenzie, any of it, not yet.

I hope I am making the right decision.

There will come a time when both of our girls, and Parker will see those pictures and understand that they once had another sister but she couldn't stay with us. But I think the verbal explanation and the images that Mackenzie has in her head is good enough for her right now.

I hope I'm right.

I dream of her. All the time. I still see double when I look at Maddie. I've had some double exposed pictures, or some pictures that looks like she has a glowing, floating halo around her. I cry when I see them. Her urn is sitting on the mantle which is right next to my bedroom door. My mom pointed out that there is NEVER a time when I walk through the doorway that I don't touch the urn in some way. I didn't even realize it until now.


Oh My Maddie Mo. How I love her so.

She's 3 now. *tear*

She is insanely graceful at times, which just amazes me, I mean I am her mother. But she can be klutzy when she's sleepy.
On her birthday I had to wrestle her to let me do her hair like this. But it was so worth it, don't you agree?

She ADORES her big sister. They love each other to death but bring out the worse in each other. I guess that's understandable. I'm just not used to it. I knew my sister couldn't stand me, but I was 10 years younger. A whole new ballpark of an annoying toddler vs. PMSing teenager then my girls relationship. She has a killer attitude. She loves to tattle on her sister and scream at her when she's pissing her off. Yes, my 9 year old enjoys pissing off my 3 year old. She thinks it's HILARIOUS!

Miss Maddie is very particular about name calling. Daddy is the only one allowed to call her 'Punkers' I am the only one allowed to call her 'Pumpkin Pie' and her sister usually calls her Maddie Mo, which she allows everyone pretty much.
She is very outspoken and speaks very well in large sentences. She has an amazing imagination. She speaks clearly but has a bit of a speech issue with a few words like 'Girl' which comes out as Gore (awesome!). 'World' comes out as word and 'Crocodile' comes out as Quacadile. And 'charlie' comes out as 'Chrrrrlie'. I tell her 'Sorry Charlie' a lot, so every doll gets names Charlie these days. We get a good giggle out of that.
We are still working on potty training. She loves swimming and playing with her dolls. She is getting into disney princesses now. She is majorly into Ariel and Tinkerbell as of late. She sleeps in a toddler bed and is getting more and more liberties as a 'big girl' by the day.

She adores her little brother but is also afraid of him sometimes. He can play rough, so I can understand that. She is truly awesome and it a constant source of entertainment and cuddles.


Parker is 8 months old today.

A far cry from my previous post where it showed him as a swollen, red newborn, don't you think?

He is a little over 23 pounds.
Very vocal. Says Mama, Dada, Baba, Bubba (his nick name), Grandma (GuhGuh), Nana. But he also growls, screams, squeals, growls some more, grunts very loudly, fake coughs, cracks up and so much more.
He can blow raspberries and loves to spit out his tongue and rumble his lips.

He loves his highchair, Hedwig, his musical inchworm, his jumper and his sisters. He also loves his daddy's silver chain necklace with a cross on it and my face. Yes, you read that right, my face. He grabs my ears or hair and pulls my face towards him so he can chew, suck, bite or lick my face. He loves me.

He is rolling everywhere and trying desperately to crawl but not quite getting there. He can sit up with very little support.

He wants table food something awful but I won't let him have any because he doesn't have teeth yet. Yeah I know, I'm no fun. He LOVES Gerber Banana Orange and sweet potato baby food. Now, you'll notice in the pics he's a bit orange. He was sick, I didn't force the green vegetables. He is NOT a fan.

My little man is growing up SO FAST!