Mackenzie has been asking to see the pictures we have of Morgan.
I haven't allowed it.
The pictures are graphic. Don't get me wrong, she looks like a baby, but she is dark in color and her skin is not in great condition. I don't want to spoil the image of an angel baby that Mackenzie has in her head of Morgan. I don't think her nine year old mind can compute what she is seeing without it traumatizing her.
I may be wrong. I know that Howard thinks she can handle it. And that may be true.
I held Morgan like that. I touched her, kissed her, I couldn't handle it. I can't handle looking at the pictures but not because I'm scared or repulsed. I'm heartbroken. I don't want that for Kenzie, any of it, not yet.
I hope I am making the right decision.
There will come a time when both of our girls, and Parker will see those pictures and understand that they once had another sister but she couldn't stay with us. But I think the verbal explanation and the images that Mackenzie has in her head is good enough for her right now.
I hope I'm right.
I dream of her. All the time. I still see double when I look at Maddie. I've had some double exposed pictures, or some pictures that looks like she has a glowing, floating halo around her. I cry when I see them. Her urn is sitting on the mantle which is right next to my bedroom door. My mom pointed out that there is NEVER a time when I walk through the doorway that I don't touch the urn in some way. I didn't even realize it until now.