Dare I say?

That things are looking up.

We got a vehicle, finally! It's a 2005 Dodge Grand Caravan with a ton of extra's and in a beautiful crimson color. It's a really nice van, I love it!
My mother in law was finally able to leave, which I do miss her in a way but I know that I am (as well as she is) glad that she's home.
We went to Santa's Wonderland over the weekend and the kids just loved it!
We're all feeling pretty good.

I want to say that things are pretty normal, average, but I am not sure what our normal and average is anymore. We have to find a new normal, which is hard to do with three kids and during the holidays but I am trying my best. And I can definitely do a little average. It's so much better than dramatic.

Well...

I found a car
And a bank to finance me
Yeah, me, with no credit
Crazy huh?

We really wanted another mini van because we have 5-7 passengers for the most time. We found a ton of 2007-2010 mini van's for $11,000-14,000 and they are beautiful, super low miles. But we can't get financing for that one with any less then $3000 down.

It's a small crossover, a Dodge Caliber hatch back but it will barely fit my family but it will. And it's only a 2008 with not too high of mileage. The Dodge Caliber will hold our family, but not my parents who are disabled, without a vehicle and depend on us for transportation.

Problem?

They want $2000 down.

We literally have no money in our savings. I think we may have $6. How can I make $2000 in like a day? (Because we need the car like, yesterday) Or does anyone want to loan it to me?

Redonkulious!

They keep rolling in

The black clouds will not let up.

Injury Update:

• Howard: Doctor is suggesting some physical therapy and possibly a chiropractor. He is having major neck and back pain. The abrasions on his stomach will probably leave a scar. His toe is still very broken and still black and blue. The bruising on his legs is still as dark as it was 24 hours post accident, and still as sore. He is currently taking an anti inflammatory and muscle relaxers.
  
• Mackenzie: Still is in pain. The past week has gotten a little better. But she is having to stay medicated with IB Prophen to even function at school. Bruises are gone, so is the brace. Headaches, neck-aches, backaches are all a common problem with her at the moment. She is insanely emotional. Crying a lot, being very clingy. She doesn't like riding in any vehicle at all.
  
• Maddie: No more bruises at all. Constantly talks about accident and generally freaks when in a vehicle. Still very clingy. The one positive thing the accident bestowed upon us was that she is no longer 'afraid' or timid with Parker. She is protective, and loving and has no problem interacting with him.
  
• Parker: Is just fine. No more crankiness or clingy-ness. Well, no more than usual.
  
• Me: Bruises are gone. Scar across chest is still very prominent but dermatologist said that he doesn't think the scar will be permanent. Cracked rib still kills and knee hurts often. Anxiety attacks are frequent. And I hate being in the car.
  

We still don't have a vehicle. We rented one for 3 weeks and 2 days and it cost us just shy of $1000, which is highway robbery and our entire savings. We did it thinking that we were going to get reimbursed, which we aren't.

I honestly don't know what we are going to do about a vehicle. Our credit sucks and everywhere we've looked we need a 2-3 thousand dollar down payment.

I feel like I'm drowning in doubt and anxiety.

Questionable

We are all healing and doing well.

Howard went back to work Monday. He is experiencing some headaches and neck aches from whiplash. His shoulders are killing him from the stress of holding on to the steering wheel. His bruises are almost faded. His abrasions are almost completely healed. His toe is still sore, but healing.

Mackenzie went back to school on Monday but only made it until 11:30. She was just in too much pain. She did go every other day this week and is doing great. Her bruises are fading fast. Her abrasions are completely healed. She feels so good, she doesn't even want to wear her brace anymore!

Maddie's still traumatized but she doesn't cry as much, that's for sure. Her bruises are almost completely gone.

Parker is acting more normal by the day. Although, he is cutting 2+ teeth at the moment, so still pretty clingy and cranky. I know he'll be back to normal once we get back to our regular routine. His bruises are completely gone.

My bruising is fading, and I'm not nearly as sore! The huge abrasion on my chest is almost healed, but still very red and prominent. My knee still swells when I am on it a lot and my rib kills when I laugh hard, hold Parker while standing or bend over. I am doing a little too much around here, but it feels so nice to be semi normal. Pain medicine is a rarity for me these days, so that's nice.

The accident report has FINALLY been turned in, but it's still not complete, we've been assured it will be by Monday. We did finally get the kid's (he was 17) information so we could call his insurance company.
We're currently waiting on grant money from school. It's been a long, hellacious wait.

Tomorrow is Howard and mine's 11 year dating anniversary. Do you think he'll remember?

In the words of my sister

Black cloud, fuck off.

The past 2 weeks-
We had 15 inches of rain resulting in Howard not working for 8 days
The front end of the van went out, we spent over $600 in repairs and 4 days later...

Dear Mother in law,

I get a guilt trip the second my husband is not in the vicinity from you every time you visit. Tonight here was your main points...

-He works too hard
-You need to help him more
-School is taking a lot of out him
-You need to help him more
-You should think about getting a job
-He's so tired
-He's so stressed

Facts to respond to these guilt trips:
Yes, he works very hard. I know this. I appreciate it and tell him every chance I get. I need to help him more? Help him do what exactly? I keep our house and children clean while he's at work. I cook all the meals unless he wants to cook, and he loves to cook so that does happen occasionally. He helps when he gets home. He does dishes from dinner, and does the floors after dinner if need be. On the weekends he does heavy cleaning, yes. He LOVES to clean. It is his way to unwind. Always has been. So yeah, I don't do deep cleaning unless I need to for the most part. I'm chasing 3 kids around the house plus running errands and taking 7 people to and fro with every spare second.
Next point, yes school does take a lot out of him. But guess what? 80% of his school work that is more than 300 words, I do. And ANYTHING requiring long papers or research, I DO! So...yeah!

Oh and the job thing. Lets go there. Reasons it won't be happening, at least within the next six months...
#1 We only have one vehicle for 7 people
#2 We would have to come up with day care facilities for 3 children
#3 99% of the jobs I would find would barely cover the cost of daycare, gasoline and not to mention would put more of the burden on Howard because I'd be BEYOND exhausted when I got home from working all day and had to deal with 3 kids.
#4 My health could not handle it. My thyroid is not working properly therefore, I have NO energy. I am on strict medication for my anxiety attacks that I am still getting used to as you could tell if you looked in my bedroom after this wonderful conversation as I clawed myself into calming down.
#4.5 Oh yeah and social anxiety disorder? Look it up.
#5 You have taken care of my children. You know what they are like when I am not around and then when I come home. Don't you think it would stress out your son to see his children like that?

Not to mention, I have no desire whatsoever to work. None. I would rather be with my children, at home more then do anything in the entire world.

I know my husband is tired. We live in Texas, it's hot as hell outside and he works in it. He works long hours in shitty equipment and I appreciate every single second of it. I know he is stressed too. Our situation is not easy. He has a lot on his shoulders with work, school, family, my health issues, financial woes, my parents, his parents...I know. I do whatever I can to help him de-stress and make things easier on him as much as possible.

I know your son calls you on a daily basis. You say he calls you because he has to talk, because he's stressed and needs someone to talk to. While that may be true, I apologize that you feel that you are taking on my burdens (your words) by having to do that. However, I do not have time to be on the phone as you do, for I have children I am taking care of. I apologize if you feel that I am not being enough for your son and truth be told I'm probably not. Right now all I am trying to do is pull myself and my family out of this dark hole that we are in.

Your son loves you, Our children love you and I love you. But you need to understand that even though you know the events, you don't always know all the information about our situation.

And next time you want to criticize my wifely duties so to speak, take a look in the mirror.

Always...

Damn doctors

Geez, I'm fine.

Why when you hear the word tumor you just flip?

Yes, I have a tumor on my thyroid. No, it is no cancerous. And no they are not going to do anything about it. My doctor is frankly shocked, because it's rather large. You can see it if you look hard enough, and if I lean my head back, wowsers!

My doctor is going to keep watching it and the surgeon wants to see me again in a year.

Buddy Holly says it all

Everyday it's a-gettin' closer Goin' faster than a roller coaster

As Parker's one year birthday rapidly approaches I can't help but reflect on the past year and the things we, as a family have been through. There's been parties, birth's, cancer scares, surgeries, dying cars, birthdays, graduations, more scares, medicines, tons of doctors, hospitals (me), anxiety attacks, depression.
And now, it's September again. The first to be exact.
My doctor told me I had a tumor on my thyroid this morning. I meet with a surgeon on Friday to get a bigger picture of what the tumor is and means. It's amazing how something can grow in your body and you don't even know it until you're told and now you feel it, hell I see it!

Gives you a new perspective.

I don't like roller coasters.

I'd like to get off now, if you please.

A lot can change in a week.

Last week I talked about Parker and how he isn't quite getting the crawling thing down.
He's crawling.
Granted, it's backwards, but dammit he's mobile.

Oh and the teeth thing.
We have a tooth.

It's amazing what a week can do. :)

Morgan

Mackenzie has been asking to see the pictures we have of Morgan.

I haven't allowed it.

The pictures are graphic. Don't get me wrong, she looks like a baby, but she is dark in color and her skin is not in great condition. I don't want to spoil the image of an angel baby that Mackenzie has in her head of Morgan. I don't think her nine year old mind can compute what she is seeing without it traumatizing her.

I may be wrong. I know that Howard thinks she can handle it. And that may be true.

I held Morgan like that. I touched her, kissed her, I couldn't handle it. I can't handle looking at the pictures but not because I'm scared or repulsed. I'm heartbroken. I don't want that for Kenzie, any of it, not yet.

I hope I am making the right decision.

There will come a time when both of our girls, and Parker will see those pictures and understand that they once had another sister but she couldn't stay with us. But I think the verbal explanation and the images that Mackenzie has in her head is good enough for her right now.

I hope I'm right.

I dream of her. All the time. I still see double when I look at Maddie. I've had some double exposed pictures, or some pictures that looks like she has a glowing, floating halo around her. I cry when I see them. Her urn is sitting on the mantle which is right next to my bedroom door. My mom pointed out that there is NEVER a time when I walk through the doorway that I don't touch the urn in some way. I didn't even realize it until now.

Maddie

Oh My Maddie Mo. How I love her so.

She's 3 now. *tear*

She is insanely graceful at times, which just amazes me, I mean I am her mother. But she can be klutzy when she's sleepy.
On her birthday I had to wrestle her to let me do her hair like this. But it was so worth it, don't you agree?

She ADORES her big sister. They love each other to death but bring out the worse in each other. I guess that's understandable. I'm just not used to it. I knew my sister couldn't stand me, but I was 10 years younger. A whole new ballpark of an annoying toddler vs. PMSing teenager then my girls relationship. She has a killer attitude. She loves to tattle on her sister and scream at her when she's pissing her off. Yes, my 9 year old enjoys pissing off my 3 year old. She thinks it's HILARIOUS!

Miss Maddie is very particular about name calling. Daddy is the only one allowed to call her 'Punkers' I am the only one allowed to call her 'Pumpkin Pie' and her sister usually calls her Maddie Mo, which she allows everyone pretty much.
She is very outspoken and speaks very well in large sentences. She has an amazing imagination. She speaks clearly but has a bit of a speech issue with a few words like 'Girl' which comes out as Gore (awesome!). 'World' comes out as word and 'Crocodile' comes out as Quacadile. And 'charlie' comes out as 'Chrrrrlie'. I tell her 'Sorry Charlie' a lot, so every doll gets names Charlie these days. We get a good giggle out of that.
We are still working on potty training. She loves swimming and playing with her dolls. She is getting into disney princesses now. She is majorly into Ariel and Tinkerbell as of late. She sleeps in a toddler bed and is getting more and more liberties as a 'big girl' by the day.

She adores her little brother but is also afraid of him sometimes. He can play rough, so I can understand that. She is truly awesome and it a constant source of entertainment and cuddles.

Parker

Parker is 8 months old today.

A far cry from my previous post where it showed him as a swollen, red newborn, don't you think?

He is a little over 23 pounds.
Very vocal. Says Mama, Dada, Baba, Bubba (his nick name), Grandma (GuhGuh), Nana. But he also growls, screams, squeals, growls some more, grunts very loudly, fake coughs, cracks up and so much more.
He can blow raspberries and loves to spit out his tongue and rumble his lips.

He loves his highchair, Hedwig, his musical inchworm, his jumper and his sisters. He also loves his daddy's silver chain necklace with a cross on it and my face. Yes, you read that right, my face. He grabs my ears or hair and pulls my face towards him so he can chew, suck, bite or lick my face. He loves me.

He is rolling everywhere and trying desperately to crawl but not quite getting there. He can sit up with very little support.

He wants table food something awful but I won't let him have any because he doesn't have teeth yet. Yeah I know, I'm no fun. He LOVES Gerber Banana Orange and sweet potato baby food. Now, you'll notice in the pics he's a bit orange. He was sick, I didn't force the green vegetables. He is NOT a fan.

My little man is growing up SO FAST!

So much

There has been so much going on, I don't even know where to start.

Besides my amazing children things haven't been going that great. Hence, why I haven't posted. I felt like no one wants to read a downer blog. So I didn't think there was a purpose.

But you know what...I need an outlet. So I'm planning on revamping my blog VERY soon and I owe anyone reading an update, like pronto!