Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Scared for nothing?

I have never been so scared of the possibility of getting a job in my life. This is a wonderful opportunity that I have brought upon myself that I am being seriously considered for. It could mean wonderful things for my future career and my family. It could help us in so many ways. But I’m not sure I want it anymore. No, that’s not true, I do want it. I just don’t want it right now. Ever since finding out I was pregnant all I can think about is if this pregnancy is going to be high risk because of losing Morgan. How many babies are in there? Can I handle a full time, EXTREEMLY overbearing and stressful job while I’m pregnant? I am so scared I cannot even tell you.
I got relieved when they hadn’t called me or anyone in over a week. Thinking they found someone better and I was getting the brush off. But they called again. Not me, but Howard. It makes me sick to think about the possibility of my schedule if I get this job. I do NOT want to be a part time mom to my infant. Period. That is not me. Howard and I have had issues in the past where we do not want to have kids to have strangers or babysitters raise them while I work, it just doesn’t sit well with me, or him. And to think that may happen, scares me so badly.
I don’t want to talk to anyone about this because I fear that they will be disappointed in me but this is ALL I THINK ABOUT since I found out I was pregnant. Now that the shock has worn out, I am so excited about this pregnancy. I want this baby so badly, and I am so scared that something will go wrong like it did with Morgan. Granted, I don’t have any reason to feel that way. I don’t even know how many babies are in there. I just know I’m pregnant, I feel very pregnant, and I am supposedly 8 weeks along.
I want to tell my loved ones how I feel, but I know my mom’s response will be, ‘Don’t worry I’ll be here!’ Yeah, I know you will be, but guess what? I want to raise my baby! I don’t want to leave Maddie, and I already have lost so much time with Kenzie while she is at school, I don’t want to lose more.
This keeps me up at night, when eventually I will pass out with exhaustion.
I have experienced this before. When Kenzie was a year old, I got a very hectic full time job and the reaction I had as Mackenzie’s mother was terrible. She never listened to me anymore, she never even acknowledged me let alone called me mommy. Yeah, she called my mom Mommy. That hurt. Petty, I know, but it did.
If they call me and offer me the job I will be tempted to decline the job because of these reasons. However, I want this opportunity so bad maybe I should just accept it, work through my pregnancy and then take a leave of absence when the baby comes. I don’t know why I’m stressing about this when I haven’t even been offered the job.


H said...

I understand how you are feeling and honestly if you can afford to stay home I would. We can always go back to work, but you can never get the time back with loved ones. I had a priest tell me once that he never heard a death bed confession that said "I regret spending to much time at home with my family". That made me really look at my priorities in life differently. I will support you either way.

kristin said...

That rings so true. Thank you for your support Renee, it really does mean a lot to me.